Saturday, February 26, 2011

Pity Party

I'm afraid of the scale. I know if I go on it, I'll be totally pissed/sad/disappointed in myself. I don't understand why I don't change myself. I know what I need to do to loose weight, hell I'm a pro at loosing weight,  I just can't keep it off! I want my foot to heal up so I can start working out again and I want the lap band, but I'm scared. I'm scared of them putting me to sleep and me not waking up, I'm afraid of food getting stuck, I'm afraid of whatever "sliming" is (it sounds gross). But I know I need to do this. I need to do this for my health for my kids and for my future.
I don't really have a support system. My MIL is overweight but she doesn't believe in surgery, she's all for homeopathic and organic healing...(whatever) and my husband is somewhat supportive, but he doesn't believe in surgery either, and guess what? He's overweight also. My husband needs this surgery more then I do. He has hypertension, high cholesterol, and getting close to having diabetes. I'm hoping that if I get this surgery he will see how much better I feel about myself and my weight that he will want to get it too. Lead by example right?
I do have a really close friend that has the band and that is really supportive of me getting it, and I guess that's all I need right now, I think my MIL and DH will come around eventually.
I hate how I feel, I hate how I look, I hate that I"m tired and crabby all the time, I hate that I have no energy to play with my kids, I hate who I am right now. I have to do this for my health, for my future, for my kids, and for my sanity.

Friday, February 25, 2011

"Mommy, do we have anymore poptarts?"

I wish I could say that I was doing something heroic causing me to fall down the stairs and spraining my ankle, but my sock caught on a loose nail on the top stair and dooooooown I went. My 5yr old said to me while I was laying on the floor crying, "Mommy, do we have anymore poptarts?" He was truley concerned about my well being.
So, here I sit with my foot elevated popping Ibuprofen and watching a marathon of Scrubs (oh how I love Scrubs!)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

sugar rush

Guess what I've just consumed in the last 30 minutes? 1 cinamon roll, king size Salted Nut Roll, 20oz Mt. Dew, and a couple hand fulls of jelly wonder I weight 10,000lbs!
Why is it so hard to Why can't I munch on celery and carrots instead of jelly beans and a candy bar?? My scrubs are getting too tight and I REFUSE to buy bigger sizes!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My mom, my bestfriend

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my mom. I miss her everyday. She was the reason that I became of nurse. She was my rock, a shoulder to lean on and cry on, she was my best friend. I have such great memories of her and I. Then this stupid cancer turned our lives up side down. Sigh...cancer is a awful, awful,awful disease. I know she is with me and watching over me and my family, but what would I give to hear her voice again and to hug her...
This is what I said at her funeral:

You would think that with mom having cancer for 7 years you would be more prepared. I wanted her to tell me her fears and when she was in pain. And I would make sure she knew that I would take extra care of my dad and be there for him when the end got closer so he wouldn't be alone and so she wouldn't have to worry. I made sure she knew that she will always be loved, always be missed, and always be remembered for what a wonderful person she was.
I wanted her to tell me those things in hopes it would make me stronger for when the time did come to where I would have to say good-bye to my mom, my bestfriend, I would be more prepared...boy was I wrong! It still hit like a ton of bricks. You can never be prepared for a time like this but I'm comferted for she isn't in any pain.
Alot of people have asked me how I stayed so strong while taking care of her when she was at home. And I just said that I didn't see what the cancer has done to her. I saw a beautiful woman that had the smoothest skin I have ever touched, I see her salt and pepper hair that she fussed over because it just wasn't right. And if dad didn't notice that she got a hair cut or dyed oh boy! He was in the dog house! I see her hair laying softly on her pilow. When she was able to talk my heart melted when she whispered 'I love you' and I got goosebumps when she smiled. I loved it when she tapped her foot when I played her favouite music. It was those little things that kept me strong. It reminded me why I loved her, why I loved being with her. I'm thankful that I got to spend all my time with her and watch her take those last breaths. I'm thankful that she made me strong enough to tell her that it's okay to go be with the angels and to not be afraid when God takes her hand and leads her to another life where there is no pain, to a place where she can reunite with her dad. I tell her that I will always love her, that I'll always miss her, and I know that she will always be there when I need to talk to her.. And that is how I got my strength to do what I did.....because she's my everything.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

And then there was this boy.....

It seems like when you meet someone you kinda forget about things. Your mind is totally consumed on this special person that you forget where you left your car keys, or you find yourself reading the same paragraph multiple times because you can't concentrate, and you get butterflies in your stomach that makes you want to puke when you go out on dates....ya, this was what happened to me. When I met Eric, I was at my prime in my weight. Running 3-5 miles a day and eating healthy. Eric at that time was a little on the heavy side which lead me to kinda "join" his lifestyle of going out to eat often and not exercising as much. I want to totally blame him for my 1,000lbs weight gain, but in reality....I can only blame myself.
Eric made me feel like the most beautiful gal in the whole wide world. He loved me for me, inside and out. And I found myself thinking that I didn't need to go out running or eat healthy because I was loved for who I was. So, now that we have been together for 10 years and married for 7, I have gained over 100lbs. Yep, you read that right, one.hundred.pounds.
Don't get me wrong, in that time I did the whole Oprah thing and yo-yo'd. I have joined Weight Watcher at least 5 times, but out of those 5 I found out that I was pregnant 2 of those times and quit. The first time I joined Weight Watchers I lost 65lbs in 6 months! Then we went to Hawaii and came back from our vacation weighing 65lbs more and then some. Because I swear, the weight gain happened over night, I swear!!
With each pound that I have gained I lose a "pound" of confidence. I miss having self-esteem, it was a wonderful feeling. But while I'm typing this, I'm downing a 20oz Mountain Dew and eating peanut M&M's....hmmm...will I ever get it back?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Good things don't always last...

As with everything, good things don't always last. After I graduated high school I was dumped by my first love. He said he "just didn't love me anymore" and at that time I thought I would never ever be able to love again, my life was over and I was going to go live in a box down by the river.
But, I got over it.
So, while all my friends were off going to college, I went of to massage school. I "grew up" there. This was my first time being alone and paying my own bills, getting my own groceries, and losing my virginity. I remember one weekend when my parents came to visit me, without saying or doing anything my mom knew I had sex for the first time. I tell ya, she had super mom powers, I hope to be half of what she was. But the most thing I miss about my massage school days was my weight.
I was in tip top shape at that time. About 3-4 months before I went off to school my mom and I joined the YMCA and did some water exercises. Before I knew it, I lost 25lbs!! So, I started eating better, exercising more, and losing more weight. I felt great, I looked great and my self esteem was bursting at the seams! I remember the first time I ran a mile without stopping and gasping for air. It was the most exhilarating thing I have done and I wanted more of it. I was down to 150lbs (and for me that's almost anorexic) and running 3-5 miles a day, lifting weights and getting a flat stomach and toned arms. Sigh...oh how I miss those days. I remember getting done running a couple miles to get home and wanting to go running some more. At that time, I thought I was pretty from head to toe and from the inside out.
But again, good things don't always last....

My so called life thus far: Scene 1 - Take 1

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful, SKINNY girl....
Psh, I wish. Altough, I do find myself pretty from about the chin up. From the chin down well, that needs a whole lot of work...a lot.
Looking back on pictures of my childhood, I was of "normal" weight till I was about....oh...5 years old. But once I hit kindergarden my baby fat decided to take revenge...mostly on my butt and thighs. Even though I was on the chubby side, my mom always told me that I was beautiful, and it was what was on the inside that counted. She gave me self-esteem and confidence that I didn't even know that I had. And I think because of that I was well liked with my class mates and was even in the popular group! Now keep in mind this was still elementary days but hey- I can say that I was once popular.
I will skip middle school days because, well, who wouldn't? Those days were filled with puffy hair, braces, trying to fit in with different cliques and be someone that I wasn't. And guess what, this was the time that I found out that I needed to have hearing aids, which boosted my popularity count to about -100. Kids were so cruel to me. On the last day of summer break and I was going to  be a freshman in high school I had enough with those stupid hearing aids that gave me nothing but grief and threw them in the garbage and told my parents that I lost them. Oh ya they were mad, they were very mad because those babies are expensive, but I didn't care. I wanted a fresh start with my life and I was hoping to get it in high school.
To the belief of most people I know, they hated high school, I on the other hand loved it. Had my first kiss freshmen year, found my first love sophmore year, and I was so called a "band geek". I loved band and i was pretty good at it. I met some wonderful friends from band that are still my best friends today. I got to go to Europe and marching band competition, played at our football was a fun time.
But day by day, I was getting heavier and heavier. But that didn't impact my confidence in myself. I was the funny gal that they liked to hang out with, I got invited to parties, had about a handful of boyfriends, and I have my mom to thank. She believed in me when I didn't. Maybe that's why my life is shitty right now because my mom isn't here. I miss her every single day.